Chinese Faces

What do you think of this book beginning?

Prologue
Day 1
Today we…
HOLD OOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!
What, Ricky?? You are interrupting my train of thought!
Never mind your train of thought!! You forgot to talk about the characters! And the story beyond the one you are ABOUT to write!!
Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh!! You ALWAYS have to annoy me! Anyway, I’m soooooooooooo sorry that the first book by me has a crap beginning. I hope the rest of them will start better, though. Naturally, I think they will, because Ricky won’t be getting in the way!
Hey!
Whatever, you know I was just saying that to wind you up.
Ok, can we get on with the story? The real one I mean?
Right. But YOU have to tell it, remember?
Oh, sure, how shall I start?
We’ve forgotten about the characters!!
But there is only me, you and a ghosty-spirity-type…THING. Anyway, once upon a time…
Chuck the ‘once upon a time’ and tell the tale of the Man in the Field!!
YES! Anyhow, I was in some field, yeah, and suddenly…
Trust a boy to tell it properly. My advice: do not do that!! Otherwise, they will just DRONE on…
…suddenly, I see this bloke in a red cap and blue shirt (or was it blue cap and red shirt?) walk near me…
Ghost’s in caps? Is it a gangster, or something?
…I only saw him with the corner of my eye, but when I looked in his direction full on, he WASN’T THERE!!
Ok then…I have 2 statements…ONE: knowing how goofy my friend here is, it was probably an ILLUSION. TWO: because the ghost is gangster-style-ish, we should call this book ‘The Gangster Bloke Who Wanders Where He is Not Welcome and Then Turns Out To Be a Ghosty-Spirity-Type…THING.’ Now… for the made up story….

What do you think of the prologue? It’s set out like two people talking. As is chapter one…

Chapter 1: our amazing luck
It was a fresh and crisp new morning in the middle kingdom, otherwise known as China (no, I don’t belong in the Mad House and, yes, I will explain how me and my coo-coo friend ended up packing our bags and shooting off to China Town). The magnolia trees were blooming peacefully, letting out gentle sweet fumes. The cool water of the silvery stream was whispering empty secrets to the beautifully poised fish. All was quiet…until I somehow managed to win 2 tickets to China. And I had no-one else to take but my totally, utterly, completely, most-embarrassing-in-the-whole-wide-world friend. What’s more, we had £1 000,000,000,000,000,000 to spend, and we were planning on buying the best souvenirs we could find. We also planned on taking a look at lots of the most important historical land marks, and also the Secret Government Construction Lab-we had a special permission (signed by the President, for Pete’s sake!), so let’s go for it!
So, one very sunny day, we arrived at our hotel deluxe in the heart of China. The hotel was called The Enchanted Victory, only in Chinese (that, my friend, is pronounced something like HDSAGDFHHIBBBESDOFGUSGE). After unpacking our bags, we went to bed-it was REALLY late and we had TWO WHOLE WEEKS of trips, notes and photographs. And THIS is what happened the next day…
Day 1
We had tonnes of homework that HAD to be done (or else…we will probably get detention for the whole school year, or something), so we thought, well, how about we do MOST of it today, go somewhere tomorrow, and, then at the END of tomorrow, finish it. Well, we had SO much homework I just said “Stuff the learning-let’s explore the hotel-its HHHHHUUUUUGGGGGEEEEE!” Ok, so I was totally keen on actually seeing the spa, the personalised-and-private-just-for-the-two-of-us dining room, the coral massage parlour, the Thai-style garden, the waterfall streams, the glamour centre, the stylist-session choose-your-perfect-outfit galore, the…
But WE ended up-where else?-the plain near the hotel…
Because SOMEONE (hint-hint: Ricky) said they needed some fresh air!!
Just DROP the subject! Anyway, while we were at the field Dixie and I just STARED at the small traditionally-roofed village houses, at the green trees and their beautiful bursts of leaves here and there…
…which hung like emerald-covered canopies over our heads, stretching far into the sky…and the figure? WHAAT? The blurry figure which, as if on an old-fashioned tape, kept flicking in and out of focus. Then, its clothes changed. Its face changed. Then…it disappeared.
I thought it was an illusion, but it kept on re-appearing. Even as we got ready for bed it was there.

Well? Good or not?

I skimmed the fist part and got utterly confused. I have no idea what’s happening because there are no quotation marks around what seems to be dialogue. Why does it seem to be two different people talking anyways?

When writing a book, you can’t use capital letters for a random word even if you are putting emphasis on it because it’s not grammatically correct. Instead, put it in italics.

I can see a lot of other things that can be improved but I won’t spend my time correcting all of it. Get an adult or someone that’s good at writing and grammar to help.

You’re also obviously very young, years younger than the age you’re supposed to be on Yahoo! Answers. Wait until you learn more about writing and grammar rules until you get this published, because I can guarantee it won’t be published in this current condition.

Read some books, learn from their styles and how they’re written, and then continue to write.