How is my first chapter in my story? (Asked this before.. no one answered.)?
Please just tell me what would make it more exciting and what you like about this chapter so far. (I’m not done with this chapter yet.) Where should i add more details at what could happen next etc etc.. Any suggestions? also tell me how it is. Please be HONEST. Because honesty is the only way it will get better. 
One this though… I know that there are a LOT of mistakes. But i’m not worried about that now. Later on ill fix them all : )
P.S Its not done yet. I only gave you a sample of this chapter.
(I also didn’t include whats wrong with her at this moment because she’s going to discuss it with Cassidy once she gets home.
Chapter One
“Oh my god!” I shrieked. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t see you” Seth was kind of holding his forehead from the pain of bumping heads. “Nah, it’s okay. Just a little pain.” ‘No, it’s not okay! Let me get you some ice.” I hurried over to get a zip lock bag and then over to the ice box. I sat down for a while until Seth walked over and gently took the ice pack from my hand. “Look, Really, Carly.. It’s okay. It doesn’t hurt that bad.” It seemed the clear blue beach water was completely still, but life was all around it. I looked in to his sparkling ice blue eyes and nearly melted at the sight of his gorgeous tan face. I stood up after an awkward silence and said, “If you really are okay then i’m going to go cool off inside. I’ll see you later.” Then rushed off and ordered an ice cold water. Seth was the last person I expected to see at the beach. He was usually out playing football. Like him, I was athletic. I played Soccer, volley ball and I also swim. My best friend Cassidy was usually over at the mall shopping at Forever21 or Wet Seal. Unlike her, I’m a beach girl. You know, tall, skinny, tan, long blonde hair, green eyes. Cassidy had long platinum blonde hair, brown eyes, freckles and is also a cheerleader. Honestly, I don’t really care much for cheerleaders. I guess it’s just the whole package. The outfits, the attitude and the way they wave their pom poms in your face at football games. I decided that since everyone was leaving I would go and watch the sunset before I also went home. I was gazing out at the orangish yellow sunset until a familiar figure sat beside me. “Oh, it’s you.” I said. Seth chuckled a bit. “Yeah. Sorry if I startled you.” He smiled. “It’s okay. How’s your head?” I asked biting my lip. ‘Well, it’s better. Much better. Thanks for asking.” I’d noticed that Seth had changed into a pair of dark wash jeans and a polo to match his ice blue eyes.
“I thought you went home.” I had said. “I was on my way out until I saw you sitting here. I thought you looked like you might need someone to talk to.” “Um, oh.” It was right then that Seth’s girlfriend, Beth came out and called for him to drive her home.
“Sorry,” he said “I have to drive Beth home. She crashed her car the other day. Ran it right into the back of a old truck.” I blinked once. And then twice. “Oh. Okay. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at school?” I asked him. “Um. Sure.” He said as he walked away. As he faded into the orange light of the sunset I took one last look at him. I sighed and walked over to unlock my bike and go home.
“I’m home!” I yelled. No response. “Mom? Dad?” I looked around but I didn’t see anyone. I went into the kitchen to get some ice cream and saw that there was a sticky note left on the refrigerator. “Dear Carly,”
I read. “Mom and Dad have gone to Aunt Miranda’s house. I’m at Ryan’s house for the night. I’ll be home in the morning and mom and dad should be home around 10 or 11 o’clock tonight. There is Chinese food in the refrigerator. Help yourself to any of it.
Sincerely, Chance, your brother”
thanks for pointing out seth and beth. And Chance signing his name wiht ‘your brother at the end’ I will fix the beginning.
Seth and Carly were both turning a corner and then they both accidently ran into eachother.
Really REALLY terrible. Have you considered making seth a girl? I think that a little gender re assignment is needed here as the romance, i can’t feel the passion. it’s all so autonymous, "I looked in to his sparkling ice blue eyes and nearly melted at the sight of his gorgeous tan face" this line in particular i found very dubious as it symbolises an in sufficcient rapport between the two "lovers" . Seriously consider changing Seths gender though…for a start…
reminds me of mr. mom.
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I like it! you were very descriptive which is good.
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needs more dialogue
very much like "and then i….and he then……"
its sokay
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Ya it sounds good.
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Oh my gosh this in an incredible start. I am also writing a story and I have a couple suggestions for you. If you would like to hear them, feel free to email me.
Best of Luck.
*Alia*
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That was very well writen and nice and i love how you made it into a note. VERY GOOD. If this becomes a book i want to be first to buy.
Please vote as best answer im so close to lvl 2
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i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tell me when i can buy it :]
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sounds good.
i want a copy of the book!
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It seems mega short… And I will give your future advise: I wouldn’t ask people what they think of your writing, until you’re finished… Because it may bring your self esteem down. Personal experience.
I’m not going to read it…
I don’t want to rain on your parade. But good for writing.:) Its fascinating isn’t it?
Rachel
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i thihnk it’s okay (not what i read), but instead of saying "o my God!" can u make him say "o my gosh!" plz.
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That is an AWSUM story!!! I love it!!! Its ackward cuz i actually like someone named seth!!! Its kinda funny! Well…. I really love ur story!!! I wish i Could write a story as good as u!!!!! Hope u like wat i wrote!!
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I liked it- it’s pretty good.
One small thing is that no one would sign their name as Chance, your brother.
Instead just put Chance and then introduce him later.
Also, it moved very quickly. Sometime the story needs to sort of pause in the moment. What I mean is that you went from talking to walking to changing to talking. It was just too quick.
Good job tho.
Good luck.
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If your brother, Chance, left you a note in the house, would he honestly sign it "Chance, your brother?" Are there multiple Chances living in the house, an assortment of cousins, other relatives, homeless people?
You blinked once. Then twice. ??? Usually this behavior is reserved for people who are paralyzed and unable to speak.
Read over your story. Read it aloud. You’ll hear the many occasions that are clumsy and/or do not ring true.
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Writer/Editor
Yeahh I like it juust Beth and Seth?? That could get annoying
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i like it alot, it seems like my kinda book ♥
add whatever you think will make the story more interesting,let your mind wander =]
i like everything about the story so far, dont forget to add more adjectives to the newer characters like you did with cassidy and carly
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love romantic/comedy books, like twilight and southbeach sizzle, lock and key etc
wow thats like really good! Your an awesome writter. I suggest that u keep going on and if you publish it or anything i will DEFENITLY buy it! Man i wish u wrote more! I would totally read it and not stop at all!
♥
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it’s pretty good. you mix up tenses a lot though. other than that its good
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HONESTLY, i think your amazingly talented =D
i love to write and from yours i can tell you either just wrote this because u felt like it or your going through something somewhat similar..
one thing that bothered me was that i didnt no wat carly did to seth at the beginning…
other than that this is great!
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Really REALLY terrible. Have you considered making seth a girl? I think that a little gender re assignment is needed here as the romance, i can’t feel the passion. it’s all so autonymous, "I looked in to his sparkling ice blue eyes and nearly melted at the sight of his gorgeous tan face" this line in particular i found very dubious as it symbolises an in sufficcient rapport between the two "lovers" . Seriously consider changing Seths gender though…for a start…
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Then I realized that Chance died three years ago. Whoever this was, was trying to get on my nerves, or worse.
I called for Mom and Dad again no answer. I walked into their room and didn’t believe what i saw.
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Break your story up into readable paragraphs. One idea, one paragraph. some for dialogue. One speaker, one paragraph.
"Beach water" sounds strange, "ocean" is better.
Don’t describe how your characters look. That is the sign of an amateur. Practice until you are skilled enough to develop your characters so strongly that your reader can use their own imaginations of how they look.
You are mixing tenses. Be careful of that.
Other than that, there is really nothing happening in your story. Just a boring report about a day in your life.
BTW, I agree with the people about the signature.
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Its pretty good just take some of the unnecessary punctuations out and don’t go overboard with details like the part about Cassidy take that until your character meets up with her at the mall or something. Like, "As I stumbled into the mall I saw Cassidy, my best friend since daycare, shopping like always. When she caught a glimpse of me standing in the middle of the food court she ran over carrying a wet seal and a forever21 shopping bag. Cassidy had long platinum blonde hair, brown eyes, freckles and is also a cheerleader. Honestly, I don’t really care much for cheerleaders. I guess it’s just the whole package. The outfits, the attitude and the way they wave their pom poms in your face at football games, but she was my best friend no matter what.etc………..Hope This helps and sending you prayer hopes so that you’ll make it because you are a great writer! xoxo and you can use this if you’d like
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okay, it sounds reeeeeally good.
like seriously.
i just sounds kinda cheesy like when carly says "no its not! i’ll get you an ice pack!" or whatever, its sounds kinda wierd cause they only bumped heads?
then when it says:
“Oh, it’s you.” I said.
Seth chuckled a bit. “Yeah. Sorry if I startled you.” He smiled.
its kinda confusing cause you didnt tell us it scared her.
say somethin like, “Oh, it’s you.” I said, startled at his sudden appearance.
then seth would be like, "Yeah, sorry if i scared you."
then when it says:
I went into the kitchen to get some ice cream and saw that there was a sticky note left on the refrigerator. “Dear Carly,”
I read. “Mom and Dad have gone to Aunt Miranda’s house. I’m at Ryan’s house for the night. I’ll be home in the morning and mom and dad should be home around 10 or 11 o’clock tonight. There is Chinese food in the refrigerator. Help yourself to any of it.
Sincerely, Chance, your brother”
you should say some thing like
"I went into the kitchen to get some ice cream and saw that there was a sticky note left on the refrigerator from my brother." and cut out the part that says ",your brother" cause i mean seriously, why would your brother sign it as ",your brother"
haha
wow, but it DOES sond sooo good.
why dont you email it to me when you’re done!
i would LOVE to read it
awesomeitsamanda13@gmail.com
!!!!!!
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If they both bumped heads, why is he in more pain than the girl?
Names are sort of twilighty, ie: Seth, Carly [Reminds me of Charlie]
and then RAN over to the ice box.
Dialoge = Click enter and tab, ie:
————->"Hey, what’s up?"
————->"Nothing, you?"
There’s a bit too much dialogue.
This is all 1 paragraph, you need to ÷ them up
lear blue beach water. Too much description. Tongue twister.
swam, not swim.
my best friend, (comma) cassidy, (comma). that was just a typo though.
don’t include the names of the stores.
and was also a cheerleader.
orangish yellow sunset could be a lot more descriptive.
I asked, biting my lip.
make sure the reader knows there was a passage of time, because all of a sudden seth is here and changed.
just write, ‘to match his eyes’ not ‘his ice blue eyes’. you’ve allready described them as ice blue.
just a note, you’re characters are all really generic looking and static. it’s a bit like some preppy, teenage girl would write.
i said, not i had said.
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This reads like a good set-up for a young-adult romance story. Is that what you are trying to write?
This would be more readable if you would pay more attention to technique. To be specific, each line of dialogue from a character should be treated as a separate paragraph. (I understand that in this format, proper indentation may not be possible; but please work on separating the speakers’ lines.)
It’s good that you’re using capitalization properly. (except, "soccer" doesn’t need it in the context in which you use it in your list of activities) That suggests a certain level of attention to detail.
This has potential. Let’s see some more, and figure out what you want this story to become.
I almost completely forgot this criticism: You seem to use a lot of incomplete sentences. These may be okay in dialogue, but not in descriptive passages.
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What would make it more exciting: This story has a good plot so far. Here are some details you could add. 1) Are there any other people on the beach? Is it just you two? 2) How do you feel about Seth? Maybe you could say it more directly instead of just sighing. Take a paragraph or two to explain your history with him. Maybe you could talk about what you have in common even more than you have. 3) What time of year is it? Is it at night or during the day?
What I like about it: I like Chapter 1. I wasn’t expecting his girlfriend to show up like she did, and that is good. A little surprise like that is good. I like how you explained Seth’s eyes as ice blue. A little different. Maybe using more metaphors and similes would make it more detailed and interesting.
It looks good so far. Just explain more. Whenever you bring someone up. Like Chance for example. After mentioning his name maybe explaining him more. Say his age, where he goes to college, how close or not close you two are, etc. Just little things. Do this for every character. Make the characters really interesting because one of the greatest things about writing is that you can be as creative as you want.
Overall, it looks good. Keep up the good work!
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